September 20, 2004

Time for some real reflections

To say I didnít, on some level, expect it would be a lie. But at the same time, itís no easy pill to swallow. I love her more than Iíve ever loved anyone, but this distance is proving impossible. I know she loves me, but I also know that I canít possibly offer her what she wants, needs, and deserves from here. I donít know whatís going to happen with us, but her suggestion of going on a break instantly signaled breaking up. I mean, how many people come back from a ďbreak.Ē Even though Iím crazy for the girl, I canít help but wonder what else is out there. That brought on my doubts from a few weeks ago. I still canít comprehend a life without her. If we end up together again someday, then great; if not, at least I know that itís what she wants. I was terrified a couple weeks ago that I hurt her; I know I did, for that Iím sorry. I guess ultimately I brought this on with my expressing my doubts, which is the hardest part of all this. I feel so sad, so rejected, but realize that itís my own damn fault. She might be going home this weekend, which Iíd really like to see her, but at the same time Iím afraid to do so. I donít know what I think will happen, but maybe we shouldnít see each other yet. I still canít wrap my mind around all this. It all hasnít sunk in yet. So yeah, the whole reason she said we needed to break up is because of what me and my friends do, how we spend our Friday and Saturday nights. I was accused of going out and partying like Iím single. I guess that was the hardest part of all of it. She thinks I donít love her on the weekends. That I only love her when sheís here, which is not true. What did she expect me to do when everyone else went out? I mean, yeah, theyíre all looking for women, but that doesnít mean I do. Ok, Iím done now. Maybe this is all for the best, maybe it isnít. either way it is the way it is what it is.

Posted by hollimer at September 20, 2004 8:37 PM | TrackBack
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