September 23, 2004

middle of the night ramblings

well... its about 245 right now. . . i'm tired, or at least i was tired. then i went to go to bed, and now my mind is racing. racing about everything. about the dashboard show thats tomorrow... well tonight now, racing about my education, my social life, my family, my life and everything about it. how did i get here? douglass adams once wrote, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." i used to think that about myself, on some level anyway. i really, untill recently, have had no regrets about my life, how i got here and where here is. but my whole life has been turned inside out in recent days/weeks. i've realized that architecture, although i like it, was not really anything i ever decided i wanted to do. maybe it is, but i never decided that, it was basically decided for me. as was me attending the university of illinois.

dont get me wrong, i really enjoy being here, and the friends i have here, but now i'm wondering if this is really what i should have done. i feel like my whole life i've just been going through the motions of it all. wake up go to willowbrook everyday, do a half assed job and still manage to do decent. its only now, when its far to late to do anything about it, that i realize the potential i had in high school. i seriously could have put even the slightest bit of effort into it, and pulled off at least like a 3.7 or something. numbers dont really matter, all i know is i left there with like a 3.4 and i dont remember doing any homework or studying at all. my ACT score was high, what can i say, i test well. i wish i had at least applied to some other school... i mean, i applied here and to yale. that was a joke. i wrote this real creative, funny admissions essay about why i want to go to yale, talking about how i'd fill that oh-so-hard-to-fill-demographic of white, middle-class, suburban male. but my mom read it, and told me that i needed to write something serious.

my mom... i think thats what screwed with me so much. i mean, i love her. she's the nicest mom ever, according to all my friends, and i'll admit she has been good. but sometimes, looking back, a main reason why i never tried very hard in high school is because she wasnt there. throughout my grade school existence, if i did so much as sneeze out of turn, she heard about it. so i really had no freedom to screw around. thats not to say i didnt, but when i did, i knew the whip would be cracked over my back about it, so i really didnt much. then the freedom of high school came. no informants for her there. so i just did the bear minimum to maintain decent grades. report cards come out, not straight a's? "work harder, study more" etc... yeah, ok mom.

so yeah, slacked through high school, slacked through the college application process, and just ended up here at u of i doing what had been placed in my lap by my uncle: architecture. now i'm realizing that architecture isnt really what i'm passionate about. i want to do something in the arts. a dream job would be to work as a disney imagineer... kinda in the field of archtecture, but moreso art and sculpture related, it seems to me anyway. art education also seems like something i'd really enjoy. i'd love to teach high school level something, but never felt very passionate about anything that i was good at enough to persue teaching. but the more i think about it, the more i'd like to be an art teacher. i mean, i'm not much of a painter, but i can work on that. i'd like to say i'm a good artist, but thats kinda egotistical, but i did well in art. recieved awards for some of my stuff. so i gotta be at least a little good.

but the thing thats really running through my head is my relationship with sarah. i love her. i really do, but i dont know that she's the one anymore. i can't picture spending my life without her in it, but i've only seriously dated one other person. how can i possibly know for sure that this is it? but throwing it all away now is just too hard. i have no idea what to do. apparently i made the decision for her already or something. rob told me her away message this morning, which i didnt read, said something about making it an easy decision for her. i'm assuming thats in reference to me going out with everybody for mike's birthday. the whole problem (as i understand it, but i'm sure i dont understand it all) is that i go out with all my single friends all the time to the "single scene." going out to the bars with mike for his 21st birthday, doesnt really seem to me like the "single's scene," it was just goin out to celebrate a good friend's 21st, but i guess it does to her. iunno.

the hardest part of all of it is knowing that i'm hurting her. i never ever wanted to hurt her. Never. i care about her more than anyone. i care about her more than myself. maybe thats why i'm so quick to run away. that was my biggest fear of our relationship, that she'll realize that she can do better than me. its true, she can. she's beautiful, funny, smart, kind, trusting, loyal... i could go on and on. but then why am i ready to go on without her? what the hell is wrong with me? why is this all so confusing? i hate love. i hate doubting love.

i hate all of this. i fucking can't take it anymore. it just hurts so much to not know what i want in any facet of my life. it hurts to know i hurt her. if you're still reading, and even if you arent, i'm sorry, sar.

Posted by hollimer at September 23, 2004 3:17 AM | TrackBack

Holler, it's gonna be hard for a while, but you have your friends and they can/will help you A LOT. But I swear that no matter what happens it will be better one day and it will have made you a better person.

Posted by: Jon at September 27, 2004 9:08 AM

I agree whole-heartedly with Jon. He and I have both been through it before. My friends were incredible to me even though at the time I probably didn't deserve it because I had taken their friendship for granted for a while. The point is, it will be tough. And not just for a little bit. It's going to take a long time, but that's what your friends are here for. Not to "run your life" but to help you through the tough times. When I look back two years, if I hadn't had my friends I don't know what I would have done.

Posted by: Dan P at September 27, 2004 10:27 AM
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