October 5, 2004

i hate it

i feel like i'm running away and getting nowhere. The harder i try to get away, the more i dont want to. I read about how she's better than ever and its a dagger in my gut. the fact that she doesnt love me hurts, but the thought that she never did hurts even more. everyone tells me that its for the best, a cliched line of comfort. i'd believe it were for the best if it didnt still hurt so much. i want to move on, i dont want to care, but i can't help it. i finally took down the pictures the other day, but to no avail, i still see her every time i close my eyes. she left me because of my antics, and yes, crazy shit's gone down, but i wouldnt have been a part, or such a large part if i still had her. if she still loved me. if she ever loved me. i miss her so much its killing me. and the fact that she's the happiest ever hurts even more. i know she'll find someone else, hell she probably already has. and i'm more and more convinced that i'm doomed to be alone. i know, i'm young, its only been a couple weeks... but no one i'll find is going to be as good as she was. i once read a quote, i forget the exact phrasing, but it was something about how the first love inflates the heart, and trying to regain that orginal level of love is impossible or something... something about a shadow of the first love always being there. i dont remember exactly, but its true. i'm never ever going to be able to get away from her. i close my eyes and i see her. i sleep and she's there. i dont want to wake up in the morning, just so i can spend even a few extra minutes with her. god, it sounds like she's dead. but i guess the girl i loved is, she certainly doesnt care about me anymore.

Posted by hollimer at October 5, 2004 1:16 PM | TrackBack

Got nothing to say that'll stop the hurting, but your welcome to come over anytime for a drink, to hang, or to talk, even at three in the morning, I'm more likely than not I'll be up.

Posted by: dave at October 5, 2004 3:22 PM

Holler, it's really all about attitude. If you sit there and say I'm never going to find anyone, no one will ever be as good as her, etc. etc then you won't. Maybe you feel that way now, but look at yourself in 10, 20 years. You really see yourself 20 years from now sighing over losing Sarah? I don't. People break up all the time. And I know that it hurts you, and I know the kind of love that you once had for each other. But life goes on. Sarah was a chapter in your life. But not the final chapter. There are so many wonderful things out there in this world. This world is full of beauty and wonderful people, and there is someone for you. THink of things as a learning situation. How much do you now know that you can apply when you have your next relationship? How much better will that be? If you sit around and sulk all day, no, things won't get any better. Go out, have fun. Yeah, it will be hard at first, but it will get better. I promise. You have so many friends here and everyone wants to see you be happy. And everyone knows that you can be. You mentioned something about talking like Sarah was dead. I had a friend whose fiancee died suddenly this summer. It still breaks my heart to think about her, but I see her and how strong she really is. You just have to realize that life moves on, life changes, and things will fall back into place eventually. Maybe you hear about Sarah going out and having fun. Good for her. Take that example, Holler! Isn't that one of the reasons you broke up, because of you going out and having too much fun? Don't go crazy or anything, but have fun. College is a great time. Look at the positives. Look at how lucky you really are. Seriously, make a list of why you are lucky. Healthy loving parents, things like that. You are so privleged compared to others in this world- so enjoy it! Hopefully you can change your attitude, and look at the good things, and get back into playing an active role in your life. If you ever want to talk- you know how to contact me.

Posted by: Joanne T. at October 5, 2004 3:30 PM

She has a point. It'll be tough. I know it will. But we're here for you. It may seem like you'll never get through it now but once you have some time and distance from the situation you'll gain some perspective. I know this all sounds like canned advice, but it's true. Or at least it was for me. There will come a time when it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Don't try to rush it though. Just live your life one day at a time and enjoy the ride. Your friends will be here for you because you've been there for us.

Posted by: Dan P at October 6, 2004 12:26 AM
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