October 14, 2004

trudging

its late, i'm tired, but i dont want to go to bed. ever. i want to run. i want to bike. i want to jump, play basketball. sing, dance, and jump rope. i want to be a kid again, throw all caution to the wind. just have fun all the time. i want an ipod in my head, so i can flip on the music anytime, anywhere. i want it to be a constant 76 degrees outside during the day, and 65 at night, with an occasional 65 degree day or two thrown in. i want to see a beautiful sunset, and paint a picture of it. i want to take a photo of the beauty that i want to be all around me all the time. i want someone to love. i want someone to love me. someone to hold, someone that wants to be held by me. someone that wants to hold me.

but alas, reality time. its cold out, i'm tired and i need to sleep. someone to hold isnt presenting herself, which is cool, well... its ok. i'll find someone eventually. its just hard. i see things on tv, in movies, on the quad, hear sappy song lyrics, and it all makes it hurt. i dont really hurt from her anymore, but i do hurt. its like an emptiness that i desperately want to fill. i want something familiar, someone i can be close with. well. such is life. she'll turn up eventually. and if not. then i'll cry forever. ok, not really, cuz i know i'll find her, whoever she is, eventually. and untill then i just gotta keep trudging on. "To trudge: the slow weary walk of a man that has nothing left in his life but the impulse to simply solider on."

and from the same movie:

"It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you."

maybe i'm not in love with her, but i still love her. and want her back as a friend. but how could that possibly work? could that possibly work? not now anyway, not yet. i'm not ready. i read her blog every day, check her away messages, as though i were still dating her. i know i'm not over her. i know i'm not ready to be near her again yet. dispite wanting to, because i know i'm just gonna hurt myself. i read about how she really likes so and so, or he's so nice and it still burns me as though we were still dating. why can't i move on? according to outcold its 1 week of morning for every 6 months you were together. we had 18, a year and a half, so that'd be 3 weeks. here i am, approaching the end of week 3... maybe i'll feel better when the weekend comes. or maybe, despite being an awesome movie, outcold isnt 100% accurate when it comes to recovering. nah, that can't be it. i dont know whats happening this weekend, other than i'm sure it'll be... interesting, as every weekend has been lately.

ok. time to trudge to bed

one more thing. i know everybody says, "you're better off" or "you'll be fine" and "you need to move." so you dont need to leave that comment if you were planning on it. this is just how i'm feeling right now, and i felt like writing it down. i have no plans on getting back with her, i know she's moved on. i know this chapter is closed. except it isnt. its just on the conclusion. and i've never been good at writing conclusions.

Posted by hollimer at October 14, 2004 1:30 AM | TrackBack
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