November 8, 2004

run away -or- want somebody to love

ok... so it felt like it'd been forever since i wrote, but i realize now its only been a couple of days. anyway, i didnt know what i was going to write about, and thought about some wacky story i could start. then, while waiting for inspiration to come knocking on my skull, i went browsing through the other kordix blogs and stumbled across dan's latest entry. it really got me thinking, so i started writing an instant message to him about it, but i think he's already in bed, and it was super long and envolved. thus i decided i'd post it here and continue writing it. so feel special diddyp, cuz this was inspired by your writings... did that sound gay? whatever... here goes:

[author's note: after writing this entry, i realized that not everyone will want to read all of it. and, in fact, i dont know that i want everyone to read it so i made it an "extended entry" so you dont see it without the proper disclaimers. the following names were listed, if you were one of them, proceed at your own risk: rob, dan, sarah, and jon (not swiston). ok... dan and rob, continue. you other two, i'd prefer you not read it but, this isnt password protected so continue if you really feel like it. . . just dont complain to me when you regret knowing what is going on in this head of mine. i guess that's applicable to everyone who reads any of my posts though... and now, on with the show]

"I guess I'd just like to be able to count on the fact that someone is thinking about me. Maybe that's self-centered. I don't know." [quoted from his blog post] totally not self centered. it is, i think, a natural human reaction. that is the reason it burned me so much just now to read that sarah is officially dating that jon guy. i'd like to say i dont really care, but i still do. i mean, i know i'm not going to get back with her. though deep down i kind of wish i could/would, i know that is not what should/is going to happen. yet the fact that she cares about someone else now, that she's moved on and no longer thinks of me or cares about/for me is what really burns. i know what you're gonna say, she still cares about you, and yeah, maybe... hopefully, on some level deep down she does. but all i know is she hasnt made any efforts to contact me outside of the one time right after it happened. and even then she blew up at me for going out to eat with my family, so i said i wasnt ready to see her again, because frankly i wasnt. [note: this is where the im ends, and the blog writing starts, so all hope of being general and applicable to all is lost. this is all about me me me now] i felt rejected, and she was mad at me. suddenly i'm the bad guy. how did that even happen? i went home with intentions of seeing her, but i'm not goin to turn down a free meal with my family, but she couldnt stop being pissed off at me long enough to see that i guess.

i look back now and am at a loss. i was told to delete her screen name and not look at her blog anymore, and for a while i did. untill recently when i checked her profile to read some depressed song lyrics and thought, "hey, maybe she feels bad too." i'll admit, a large part of me was thinking, "ha, he rejected you. now you can feel all alone like i do." but deep down i know that wasnt-- that isnt how i feel. i read her blog today to discover that she wasnt, in fact, rejected. why i ever thought she would be... well, i dont know. she's officially dating this guy. this guy who, she told me, she could "never be attracted to." she told me he's "too much of a woman." i wonder if he knows this? apparently she's forgotten.

it kills me. i knew he was going to be a problem down the road. the asshole was constantly flirting with her. even when i went to visit her he would flirt with her. its not like he didnt know i existed, he fucking met me. he told her something about how he wasnt threatened by me, because he thinks he's more attractive than me. makes my blood boil just thinking about this little prick. how does he go from such a little jack-off to her goddamn boyfriend?

but i digress. i guess, upon truely reflecting on this, i'm not mad at him. i'm not mad at her. i definitely dont regret our relationship. i definitely regret some of the things that happened/ didnt happen, particularly towards the end, for the obvious reason that it might still be in existence. people tell me that "it's for the better," which, despite the cliched-ness, many still believe. i try to tell myself to believe that, but i still see the last picture on my wall that she's in, both of us surrounded by friends. all looking happy. how can i feel like it's for the better with so many good times? i'm glad i took down the other pictures early on when i was still sad/mad. how can i possibly feel happy looking back at such good times? every time i open my desk drawer i'm greeted by a tangle of bright red yarn and a wrinkled envelope. how could it have gone downhill so goddamn fast? from everlasting love and intentions of "the rest of our lives" to not speaking to her for over a month. its insane.

once again, i know i cant have her back. as much as i would ever want her back, i dont want her to be unhappy and be with me. i just want my best friend back, and that i know is never coming back. dont get me wrong, dan and rob are great guys. they are, by far, my best friends, but they pale in comparison to what i had with her. what i lost. there's no way that i could ever have that closeness back. never again will she fall asleep in my arms. never again will she calm me down when i'm upset about something. never again will she sing to me and hold me in her arms.

dan, i agree wholeheartedly: i just need somebody to care about me. i need somebody to care about more than i care about myself. i screwed up in the latter with her. now i just want somebody to love. i saw a preview for a movie (kinsey) and there was a quote i kinda liked "Sex is a risky game, because if you're not careful, it will cut you wide open." except it isnt sex that cuts you wide open. its love. and thus, i shut myself off to the world.

ok not really, but sometimes i'd like to. just disappear. run away to where ever my feet take me. no place in particular. just go around and meet people. hear peoples stories, and be on my way. merely a shadow in the memories of many. i want to travel around the country, and find random people and ask them to tell me a story. i thought it'd be interesting to ask random people to tell me one story, if they could pick just one occurance that has happened to them and tell it to me. i want to do that, just go around hearing everyone's stories. write it all down and make some crazy book of america's stories. iunno, pipe dreams i guess.

and now the end. if you are reading this, and i mentioned you... and offended you, i'm sorry. but this is all how i'm feeling. i'm just sayin is all. gotta pc and stuff.

recommended song of the post: Colin Hay - "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You"
recommended life choice if you have a supply of income and a feeling of nothing worth staying here for: travel and get people to tell you stories, compile the stories to a crazy-cool book, and thank me in the notes for the awesome idea.
recommended life choice if you have a significant other: dont dwell on anything bad, because later you'll realize it doesnt matter. only the good stands out, and you'll wish there was more of it, or that you could go back to it.
recommended bedtime: earlier than quarter to 3. man i'm gonna be tired tomorrow... but i just get on these writing tangents
recommended password suggestions: not something so dang obvious, dan. ;)
recommended reading: hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy... that douglass adams guy is funny
recommended limit for recommendations: 6... i've gone too far, and with that i bid you adieu.

[note: i would just like to say that i'm happy for you, that you've moved on. despite all the above writings of spite, anger, saddness, and bitterness, i just want you to be happy. and you seem to be, so... yeah. there's that. i guess there's that.]

[another note: now that i've written this... i really dont want to post it. to post or not to post, that is the question]

[last note... i swear: if you want to leave a comment, thats cool, but the following things have been said to death: "you're better off without her" "move on" "thumb monkeys are cool" and "wouldn't it be cool if you could turn invisible" so you can say those things, or variations of them, if you want... but you dont need to waste your mad typing skills on 'em... cuz i've already heard... or read... but if you're bored and have nothing better to do (hell, you read this far, you must be bored) than feel free to say whatever you want]


Posted by hollimer at November 8, 2004 2:53 AM | TrackBack

i'd just like to say... damn, didnt realize that was as freakin long as it is. sorry if you wasted your time reading all that.

Posted by: hollimer at November 8, 2004 2:55 AM

hey, I've been in the mood to do some serious ass-kickin' and seeing as how this guy insulted you AND stole my name, I say we get him. Not for the sarah thing so much, but for the insult. The guy sounds quite arrogant and I hate arrogant people.

Posted by: Jon at November 8, 2004 9:16 AM
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