December 27, 2004


i've been thinking lately about faith. and i've come to the conclusion that i really dont have faith in anything anymore. my religious life is basically non-existent except when my mom makes me go to church when i'm at home. i used to believe in love, but not so much anymore. i used to believe that i knew what i wanted to do with my life, but i know thats not true.

i dont know what it was about religion that died in me. i could say that it was me going to school, and not being forced to go to church anymore. but it was more than that. it was earlier than that. in grade school i was very passionate about it, but at some point during high school it lost its appeal. i didnt feel it anymore. i dont know why or what it was that changed. but something did. i still went to church, and blindly "believed" whatever, but i didnt really care about it like i had. it wasnt untill recently that i've actually become annoyed with people blindly believeing some of this far fetched shit.

for a while i said i didnt really believe all that much, but then i'd argue about it as though it was my life's calling. but now... now my current self would be argueing with me of a few years ago. i went to the planetarium with my family the other day, and we saw this presentation about how the wisemen seeing a "star" could've been quite feasible becuase all this crazy shit was appearing to happen with the way the planets were aligning then moving then realigning. that i could believe. that sounded reasonable to me. there's a scientific explination for what happened, and if the whole jesus thing is true, then why couldnt it be that god just made it happen the same time the celestial stuff was goin down? its like "god created the heavens and the earth" if that is true, then i choose to believe that it is a euphamism for the big bang. he could've enduced that, instead of just going "ummm.... poof. here's existence." but then my mom said at dinner the other day to jack (who was telling my sister about the planetarium movie) that maybe it was just god putting a special star in the sky.... yeah, maybe... but why the fuck would he want to do that? wouldnt that fuck with shit? gravitational pulls and such?

and then there's the love thing... fuck it. i dont need to discuss that.

what do i want to do with my life? right now i think i want to be an art teacher.... actually, what i'd really like to do is open a jazz club. that'd be freakin awesome. but being a teacher is a more reasonable and achievable profession. but jazz club. man that'd be sweet. get to listen to good jazz whenever i want. and u know that any guy who owns a jazz club is automatically pimp (no need to leave comments about how i'll never be pimp, you jackass).

so yeah... faith. i'm lacking it now adays. and it sucks. i dont know what to trust anymore. i trust my friends. of course, i trusted someone i thought to be my best friend... and see where that got me: moping around on a sunday night... monday morning i guess... wondering if i have any faith in anything. whatever. i'm goin to bed. i believe in that.

Posted by hollimer at December 27, 2004 4:48 AM | TrackBack

Odd...two creation posts on boardix within a day of eachother...hehehe

But yeah, sometimes i wonder if faith is just a religious person's way of saying "Yeah, it doesn't make any sense so stop thinking about it cause i want you to beleive i'm right." kinda ties in with my thought that the people in power just love to keep those that aren't ignorant. whether they'd go so far as to feed those under them blatant lies or nonsensical half truths, i dunno. our education system does it for other reasons, so it's possible that it is done on a more global scale, maybe even for the same reasons: the truth is too hard to bear for an immature mind.

now i'm ranting.

Posted by: mallio at December 27, 2004 4:59 AM

All is going according to plan. -d'evil

I took a similar journey that started in, say, high school, and pretty much brough me to the point I am now late freshman year of college. If you ever wanna talk about this stuff, lets do chat.

And this jazz club.. man that would be sweet.

Posted by: Marv at December 27, 2004 6:44 AM

people in power always have and always will try to keep those under them ignorant. this is especially easy to do with religion. playing with people's minds and whatnot. very evil

Posted by: Jon at December 28, 2004 12:14 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?