January 29, 2005

bitchin. (whining, not the interjection)

i dont ask for much these days

i'm sitting here, sober and alone on a friday night, looking for inspiration to write but finding none. i dont know what went wrong with me, but somewhere along the line i fucked up. maybe i was fucked up by something other than what i did. but then again, maybe not. i dont know what it is, i'm just in this funk right now. i cant get happy. i'm bored all the time. i'm not drinking anymore, i've decided on that. i dont mind that my friends drink, and i didnt mind drinking myself, but the more i think about it the more its not worth it for me. drinking lost me the most important in my life. it turns me "creepy." i dont like what it does to me, and i dont like that people associate drunk me with sober me. i dont want to be my drunk self. i hate my drunk self. and if my friends are gonna bitch at me for not drinking, then i'll stop hanging out with them. i dont want to stop hanging out with them, and i dont mind hanging with them when they're drunk and i'm sober, but they do apparently. i'm not allowed to laugh at funny jokes. i'm not allowed to not want to be touched. any act to defend myself is "being crabby." i'll admit that i didnt have the best day today, but i tried really hard to be nice tonight. i know that when i'm tired i can be less than pleasant to deal with, but i thought i was being fine tonight. maybe if anyone had made a slight effort to stop me from leaving i might not be so pissed about it. but the fact that all my "friends" had no problem with me being bitched at, and not even acknowledge the fact that i was leaving just pisses me off.

long story short: i'm not drinking anymore. and i cant get over a girl who dumped me 4 months ago. i guess that wasnt actually stated in the above post, but its true. whatever, i'm gonna watch a movie and go to bed.

Posted by hollimer at January 29, 2005 1:32 AM | TrackBack
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