some people like summer; others like fall; to some, winter is the best; and many like spring. I was thinking about this today, thinking about what a beautiful day it is. I thought to myself, I love crisp fall days. But then I thought about winter and Christmas, and thought I liked that the best. But then memories of the first spring drive with the convertible top down came into my head, and i realize that those times are great. And then my mind wandered on to summer: being out in the heat, jumping in a cold pool to stay cool, paying a buck for an ice cold cup of watered down kool-aide from the kid on the corner who only asked for a quarter, but whats a buck to you anyway?
It was then that I realized that life isn't about consistency. It's all about change. Each season has its good points, but for me, the best part of each season is the first notice that it has snuck up on me. Putting on pants for the first time in months today, stepping outside with the sun beating down on my sleeved arms, I realized that the change is what I crave. Maybe that's why I've been so upset about everything lately. It has all been monotony. I need a change in my life, the question is what?
Each season, great in its own respect, but none would be all that great without the others. Maybe that's what my life needs: seasons. I guess that's why teaching sounds so appealing to me. The idea of a "seasonal" job for the rest of my life sounds so great. I could be a lifeguard, or even work as a janitor during the summers. It would break up the monotony of life. Always something to look forward to. I don't know if being an art teacher is really what I want to do, but at this point in my life, it sounds like the most appealing job to me.
Plenty of people question me, and even laugh at me about this. And, honestly, I have too, but the more I think about it, the better it seems to fit me. I've been told I'd be a good teacher, it only took me a few years for me to believe it. I guess I should make a decision soon, before i get myself to bogged down with student loans...
So yeah, that's where I am in my life right now: yearning for change. Stability and consistency is comfortable, but not interesting. I'm not saying that I haven't enjoyed my life, but I need some change. Seasons change, things change, people change, relationships change. That's life. Realizing this is probably the best thing that could happen to me now.
why? why this? why that? why anything? why do i do what i do? why do i neglect to do what i do? why do i desperately want to move on, but constantly find myself trying to move backwards? why did i decide my life, before knowing what i really want to do with it? why do i put myself first? why can't i just figure out myself? why do i think things that aren't true? why do so many feelings, sensations, and things have to remind me of pain? why do good things remind me of pain? why can't i take these pictures down? why can't i move on? why can't i stop chasing her, when i so badly need to? why is she so quick to move on? moreso how? why do i feel like shit; both physically and mentally? why am i here? why am i now? why not then? why not there? why not like laguna beach? why not like naperville? why like this? why do i make the decisions i make? why do i feel like i make the wrong ones constantly? why, if i know they're wrong, do i keep making them? why? why? why?
well... its about 245 right now. . . i'm tired, or at least i was tired. then i went to go to bed, and now my mind is racing. racing about everything. about the dashboard show thats tomorrow... well tonight now, racing about my education, my social life, my family, my life and everything about it. how did i get here? douglass adams once wrote, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." i used to think that about myself, on some level anyway. i really, untill recently, have had no regrets about my life, how i got here and where here is. but my whole life has been turned inside out in recent days/weeks. i've realized that architecture, although i like it, was not really anything i ever decided i wanted to do. maybe it is, but i never decided that, it was basically decided for me. as was me attending the university of illinois.
dont get me wrong, i really enjoy being here, and the friends i have here, but now i'm wondering if this is really what i should have done. i feel like my whole life i've just been going through the motions of it all. wake up go to willowbrook everyday, do a half assed job and still manage to do decent. its only now, when its far to late to do anything about it, that i realize the potential i had in high school. i seriously could have put even the slightest bit of effort into it, and pulled off at least like a 3.7 or something. numbers dont really matter, all i know is i left there with like a 3.4 and i dont remember doing any homework or studying at all. my ACT score was high, what can i say, i test well. i wish i had at least applied to some other school... i mean, i applied here and to yale. that was a joke. i wrote this real creative, funny admissions essay about why i want to go to yale, talking about how i'd fill that oh-so-hard-to-fill-demographic of white, middle-class, suburban male. but my mom read it, and told me that i needed to write something serious.
my mom... i think thats what screwed with me so much. i mean, i love her. she's the nicest mom ever, according to all my friends, and i'll admit she has been good. but sometimes, looking back, a main reason why i never tried very hard in high school is because she wasnt there. throughout my grade school existence, if i did so much as sneeze out of turn, she heard about it. so i really had no freedom to screw around. thats not to say i didnt, but when i did, i knew the whip would be cracked over my back about it, so i really didnt much. then the freedom of high school came. no informants for her there. so i just did the bear minimum to maintain decent grades. report cards come out, not straight a's? "work harder, study more" etc... yeah, ok mom.
so yeah, slacked through high school, slacked through the college application process, and just ended up here at u of i doing what had been placed in my lap by my uncle: architecture. now i'm realizing that architecture isnt really what i'm passionate about. i want to do something in the arts. a dream job would be to work as a disney imagineer... kinda in the field of archtecture, but moreso art and sculpture related, it seems to me anyway. art education also seems like something i'd really enjoy. i'd love to teach high school level something, but never felt very passionate about anything that i was good at enough to persue teaching. but the more i think about it, the more i'd like to be an art teacher. i mean, i'm not much of a painter, but i can work on that. i'd like to say i'm a good artist, but thats kinda egotistical, but i did well in art. recieved awards for some of my stuff. so i gotta be at least a little good.
but the thing thats really running through my head is my relationship with sarah. i love her. i really do, but i dont know that she's the one anymore. i can't picture spending my life without her in it, but i've only seriously dated one other person. how can i possibly know for sure that this is it? but throwing it all away now is just too hard. i have no idea what to do. apparently i made the decision for her already or something. rob told me her away message this morning, which i didnt read, said something about making it an easy decision for her. i'm assuming thats in reference to me going out with everybody for mike's birthday. the whole problem (as i understand it, but i'm sure i dont understand it all) is that i go out with all my single friends all the time to the "single scene." going out to the bars with mike for his 21st birthday, doesnt really seem to me like the "single's scene," it was just goin out to celebrate a good friend's 21st, but i guess it does to her. iunno.
the hardest part of all of it is knowing that i'm hurting her. i never ever wanted to hurt her. Never. i care about her more than anyone. i care about her more than myself. maybe thats why i'm so quick to run away. that was my biggest fear of our relationship, that she'll realize that she can do better than me. its true, she can. she's beautiful, funny, smart, kind, trusting, loyal... i could go on and on. but then why am i ready to go on without her? what the hell is wrong with me? why is this all so confusing? i hate love. i hate doubting love.
i hate all of this. i fucking can't take it anymore. it just hurts so much to not know what i want in any facet of my life. it hurts to know i hurt her. if you're still reading, and even if you arent, i'm sorry, sar.
I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back/but I know you did
I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own
I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration goneit's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove
And I didn't mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did
oh how applicable this song is
To say I didnít, on some level, expect it would be a lie. But at the same time, itís no easy pill to swallow. I love her more than Iíve ever loved anyone, but this distance is proving impossible. I know she loves me, but I also know that I canít possibly offer her what she wants, needs, and deserves from here. I donít know whatís going to happen with us, but her suggestion of going on a break instantly signaled breaking up. I mean, how many people come back from a ďbreak.Ē Even though Iím crazy for the girl, I canít help but wonder what else is out there. That brought on my doubts from a few weeks ago. I still canít comprehend a life without her. If we end up together again someday, then great; if not, at least I know that itís what she wants. I was terrified a couple weeks ago that I hurt her; I know I did, for that Iím sorry. I guess ultimately I brought this on with my expressing my doubts, which is the hardest part of all this. I feel so sad, so rejected, but realize that itís my own damn fault. She might be going home this weekend, which Iíd really like to see her, but at the same time Iím afraid to do so. I donít know what I think will happen, but maybe we shouldnít see each other yet. I still canít wrap my mind around all this. It all hasnít sunk in yet. So yeah, the whole reason she said we needed to break up is because of what me and my friends do, how we spend our Friday and Saturday nights. I was accused of going out and partying like Iím single. I guess that was the hardest part of all of it. She thinks I donít love her on the weekends. That I only love her when sheís here, which is not true. What did she expect me to do when everyone else went out? I mean, yeah, theyíre all looking for women, but that doesnít mean I do. Ok, Iím done now. Maybe this is all for the best, maybe it isnít. either way it is the way it is what it is.
worst night of sleep ever. tossed and turned all night long. dont think i was asleep for more than twenty minutes straight. i'm freakin tired now, so maybe i wont be so restless tonight. that is all
I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.
Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.
The hottest love has the coldest end. [socrates... does that seem odd to anyone else?]
Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult
The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up [to reality].
[insert more (cliched) quotes about being depressed about lost love]
on a lighter note:
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laidback company. They said "Screw it. Cut em up."
[when life gives you potatoes, make pringles]
Diego : Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego : Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!
it would hurt less
yeah, so after class today i took off on my bike and rode up to the mall, then over to best buy. then head back down south to assembly hall and back home to newman. round trip: just over 10 miles.
I'm addicted. Biking has turned into my crack. I want it, I need it, I gotta have it. And now I'm about to head over to IMPE to work the upper body. I'm gonna get buff... or at least less squishy.
on a side note i heart zach braff. its a totally plutonic, i-love-him-as-a-friend-but-can't-see-myself-dating-him love. well you know, as close a friend as one can be though the glass of my tv and now the big screen amazingness that is garden state. Zach on his Labor Day, about laying railroad track in his neighbor's yard: "It might have been because he was awakened at 6am to me singing old caucasian spirituals as I swung hammer to rail."
anyway, check out mr. braff's blog. Its called the garden state blog, but its more or less just a blog about his thoughts, which have a lot to do with the movie since thats what he's doin lately.
So today, around 1130am, I went down stairs to grab a bite to eat, only to discover the cafeteria is closed for labor day. Damn, cuz I was real hungry. So I head out to go find something to eat in the big great Champaign Urbana area. I realize my bike is still over at the APX house, so I walk over there, since the buses aren't running today either.
I arrive at the house, unchain my bike and set out. I decide I'll do a lap around the quad before grabbin a bite to eat. But a lap around the quad wasn't enough. I started heading east into the abyss that is Urbana. Past downtown, I kept saying, "one more block," and "just to the top of this hill." Untill all i could see in every direction was corn and soybeans. I took Washington in Urbana till it didn't go any further, and headed north, past 74 for a few miles.
it started raining, which was fine cuz i was gettin hot, seeing how it was about 85 degrees today. so I'm cruisin up some random numbered county road, cornstalks on eitherside of me and i decide to start headin back. I approached an intersection, about a mile past the point that I decided to turn at the next availibile cross street. I was goin a little quick for the corner i was takin, so i braked a bit, and the rear tire locked and i slid sideways. I layed off the brake but at this point it was futile, and I slid across the freshly watered pavement through a muddy puddle and into a ditch. Quite terrifying, tossing the bike and thinking i might've jacked up my knee again. I layed in the grassy ditch for a few seconds assessing the damage on myself, and came to the conclusion i landed square on my ass. Not exactly sure how i managed that, but my tailbone was hurtin and my knee was fine. I wasn't scraped up at all. So I stand up, pick up the bike and put the chain back on.
The adrenaline rush of spillin the bike got me movin quick again, but my energy was quickly drained. I struggled to keep a decent speed up, and short bursts of excess energy got me movin, but a strong headwind held me back. I finally got back on campus, and got off the bike.... good god... I don't think my legs have ever hurt this much. But it'll prolly be worse tomorrow. We'll see.
so how going to get lunch turned into a bike ride that was just over 20 miles, i don't know, but it was a good time. I think I'm going to start biking regularly now. maybe i'll catch up to jon's skills
long weekend!!... anyway. whats new whats new.... almost lost the most important thing in my life last night, so that was crappy, but all is well now. ummmm.... got a few invites on gmail, if anyone wants one, let me know. . . went to a couple bars last night, that was fun. went to qdoba after that, late night burritos... tay-steeee! guys are havin a party tonight, so goin over there for that... and thats about it.