October 31, 2004

stuff and things

i love halloween. it was a lot of fun, this weekend. andrew from apx suggested i be luigi with him as mario for halloween next year. i'd be down. i gotta see the pics of my bro, he went as mario this year. my costume kicked ass, so that was cool. rob was jack... captain jack sparrow. and a mighty kick ass one, i must say. but he's super into halloween, so of course he'd have an amazing costume... or two. being a blue man was freakin awesome, everybody recognized me. i even came up with a good pick up line. not that i actually used it, but these girls came up to me and were like "so what are you? blue balls?" and then it occured to me... what an awesome pick up line! "Hey baby, i'm blue ballin, wanna help me out?" yeah, but thats not me. although hot chicks do like the blue man. maybe i should be bmg all the time. got me more ladies than regular holler ever did. that jerk. screw regular holler, blue holler's way better.

i officially took the plunge into metrosexuality... ok, its not really that big of a deal, but i bought some jeans from express. i like 'em, they're pretty comfy, and they got the debbie/carrie stamp of approval, so thats good. what else is new.... been sick lately. so thats blowy, but i'm feelin a lot better today, so thats cool.

oh man, awesome asian food from this chinese resturant we call "delicious chinese food" cuz thats what their sign says. i think its really called number 1 wok or something, but "deliscious chinese food" is funnier. anyway, had the fried rice and sweet and sour chicken. not only was it really good, it was only 40 bucks to feed 8 of us.

rob's watching an episode of the cartoon show "denver the last dinosaur" he downloaded. i never realized how rediculous that show was. but whateva, childhood tv shows are cool. downloaded the daniel tosh stand up finally. that guy is high-freakin-larious.

so.... lets see... what else what else what else.... i got nothing... hmmm well, time for today's recommendations on random subjects:
food-delicious chinese
music- Jay-Zeezer - "Yeah in the Sun"
holiday- halloween
holler- blue

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October 28, 2004

short new chapter, and in a slightly different direction

see the 2 previous posts for the rest of the story.
Another crazy turn of events in a day of the life of stan:

cruising along in tow behind the truck, he looked down at his hole filled shirt sleeve. stan let go of the truck, coasting through the intersection just missing getting hit by a bus and a crazy, no doubt, female driver. to the average person it looked like an amazing feat of luck, but he knew better.

as he slipped through the traffic, not even noticing cars were present, he pulled up his shirt sleeve. "huh," he thought, "she got me." he muttered, "meh, c'est la vie," as he flexed his exposed, bullet-pierced arm, causing each hole to pull itself shut and fade away to normal.

"another day, another death-dodging experience."

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more crazy writings

continuing this story in an entirely new direction:

"My thoughts exactly," she muttered as she reached under the counter. The counter exploded sending a hail of bullets at Stan. He threw the jar of cinnamon at her head, exploding in a cloud of brown dust as it hit her square between the eyes.

he ran out the door, flipping a newpaper holder and garbage cans behind him as he sprinted down the hall. scraping the cinnamon out of her eyes, the girl walked around the corner in time to see stan run out the door. he ran towards the bike racks and put his hat back just as he heard a beep followed by a bike shattering explosion. his trek went up in flames, and he took off on foot.

pushing a midwest stranded surfer off his skateboard, he stole the board and ran up the stairs into the english building. throwing the board on the ground he flew through the halls. "HOLD THAT DOOR!"

the confused, dreary-eyed college kid at the door did as instructed and stan jumped up to grind down the rail. suddenly he was nearly knocked off his newly acquired board by the girl on a moped. "It's over, kid!" she yelled over the buzz of her 1 cylinder engine, "give it up!"

"Never!" stan yelled as he scooped up a fallen branch from the street and stabbed it into the spokes of her tire. he executed a quick 180 grabbing the back of the newspaper delivery truck as the girl flew over the handlebars.


i'll continue more later. probably in another entirely different direction. song reccomendation of post: Eve 6 "anytime." as heard in the movie "out cold"

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October 27, 2004

random writings of rwh

not much to report, so i'm gonna write something. iunno what... just whatever comes as i go.

he stepped out into the light. pulling his face back, shielding himself from the light for just a moment, as he pulled out his tattered old summer camp hat from his back pocket. pulling it down low on his face, he trudged out the door. the ground was wet, but the sun was out. it felt like a movie. the colors of the trees covered the ground, his vintage black leather chuck taylor's squeeked with every step, the hide still getting broken in.

not avoiding puddles, he glides down the sidewalk and across the quad. he weaves through the traffic, with a lightness in his step: something he hadn't had in a long time. avoiding eye contact with anyone who might recognize him, he dodged the traffic. unsure why he thought anyone would know his secret, or why he should care, he pulled two small, white, tethered bulbs out of his pocket and stuffed one in each ear as he stepped in the union doors, pausing for a moment to hold the door for a girl who couldnt help but remind him of a lost love.

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots
that my tongue was tied off,
my brain's repeating, if you've got an impulse let it out
but they never get past my mouth

"this is the sound of settling," he thought in rhythm with the song. "well thats not the case anymore," he muttered to himself as he rounded the corner and came to a hault behind a girl from his freshman history lecture. standing in line at the cafe, he was next and pulled off his hat. stuffing it into his back pocket with his right, he yanked the earphones out with his left. he ran his hand through his twisted, messy blonde hair, and contemplated putting the hat back on, but his thoughts were cut short--

"usual grande cafe mocha for ya, stan?" she said as she had so many times before; that smile and those oh-so-cute dimples always made him fall all over himself.
"uh, yeah. . . er, no. i mean... how 'bout something different for a change?"

yeah so i dont know what that was, or where it was going. i wrote something, but it was lame/cliche/boring/whatever. maybe i'll finish or continue it next time. anyway, i'm going to bed. tonight's music reccomendation: anything diana krall. very smoothe voice. soothes me like no other. nice and relaxing, just in time for bed, and so i bid you adieu.

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October 25, 2004

for some reason, i cant get onto my blog directly from newman. i gotta go through proxies. gaytastic. anyway, to the comment spammer: i hate you. i thought somebody was actually reading all my posts, somebody that i didnt know. that woulda been cool, but alas, not true. its just some freakin spammer. spamming on blogs. what will they come up with next?

but i digress.

this weekend was fun, i was a blue man for tails (apx's halloween party). the neck didnt last long, it started peeling about 2 hours into the night, but i only did one layer of latex. so this weekend i know i gotta do at least 2 layers, particularly the neck. i also know how long it takes, so i wont end up being ready to go 2 hours too early. . . i also dont know how difficult it will be to get into the bar... i mean, they id you, and if you dont look like your pic then you dont get in. i guess they could just quiz me on all my personal info.

i kinda want to go to the yellowcard show on thursday, but i doubt there's any tickets left; if there are any, i'm sure they're way in the back. which isnt a big deal, but i'd kinda like to be closer. i guess i'll leave it up to carrie, if she wants to go, i'll go with her.

i'm excited about halloween. i love halloween, its so much fun. dressin up, its all awesome. i think we need another holiday to dress up for, sometime in the spring. kick ass costumes are where its at. i wish i had a good pic from last year, my frankenstein costume was sweet (props to rob on my scars).

and now for something that i did a couple posts ago, and dan is doing too. song time. he calls it song of the moment, mine was song of the weekend. originally i was gonna have song of the week, weekend, day, hour, and moment... but i was a bit more ambitious than i actually am, but i digress. today's song reccommendation is a relaxing tune.... well, not so much relaxing as ... iunno, its just a fun instrumental piece thats been used in a lot of movie previews lately. its called Nara by E.S. Posthumus. find it. listen to it. its good stuff. another good lyricless song is a cover by Dream Academy of a song by The Smiths called Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want. if you recognize it, its used in the art institute scene of Ferris Beuller's Day Off.

recap: halloween rocks, and listen to Nara and Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.

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October 21, 2004


its late. once again, i've stayed up too late and will be tired tomorrow. damnit. oh well, such is life. i finalized all of my costume parts... i think... yep thats it. its gonna be awesome, check for pics in a couple days. lets see... what to report on.

basically nothing. i mean, life is life. "Of course you're okay. You're alive." (garden state.... which i still havent reviewed. meh, maybe tomorrow). so living is good. and... thats about it for now. maybe i'll write something tomorrow when i'm less out of it.

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October 20, 2004


why do i do this to myself? i dont want to be me. can't i be someone else? just for a little while. thats all i want, an out. a vacation from reality. more tomorrow. now its time to sleep.

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October 17, 2004

my weekend

what was going to be three guys going to a friends party turned into everyone and their brother going. but it was a good time.

thursday nick invited me to his party, saying i deserved a break. he told me dan, mike, and i should go to his party friday night up at his apartment at northwestern. thursday night we decided we'd go. by the time we got there we had more than doubled our numbers. carrie wanted to go home that weekend and decided to tag along, rob and kordik got rides from the swistons, who went home for their dad's birthday, and jodi, despite going home to see her family, came with us.

i'm kinda glad everybody came, cuz it probably would've been rather lame had they not all come. i guess if it was just mike, dan and i we probably would've mingled with nicks friends, but if it was more than just the three of us we probably would've been antisocial and sat in the corner. which is what happened, but since there were 7 of us, and matt and steph came too, the 9 of us had a good time. and i dont think the northwestern people thought too highly of us. they were all dressed as though they were at a dinner party. i dont think anyone drank the keg except us and nick, maybe one or two beers for a random northwesterner, but it was basically us that did all the beer drinking.

:: musical interlude ::

if i get drunk well i'll pass out
on the floor now baby
you won't bother me no more
if you're drinkin' well you know
that you're my friend and i say
i think i'll have myself a beer.

today's episode has been brought to you by a couple of wild and crazy guys:

Welcome back to our show. so yeah, it was almost like a college party within a dinner party. we were rediculous. mike was wrapped in toilet paper by carrie, then directed through the crowd of northwesterners making moaning frankenstein (a la "Wastes a minute of our time") noises, apparently no one thought that was funny but us.

long story short, northwesterners' parties can't hold a candle to u of i parties. i suppose every party has its place and time, but if there's a keg, then its the place and time for a kegger. saturday, mike, carrie and i went back to villa park to pick up jodi, kordik and rob, and drop carrie at home. they had left early that morning from nicks, and the 3 of us stayed and went out to breakfast with matt, steph and nick.

mike, jodi, rob, kordik and i went to isu to drop kordik off then came back to champaign. we went to taco bell for dinner then to a thrift store for halloween browsing. (side note, i got the best 8 dollar coat money can buy on friday at a thrift store. see the pics to see the coat i'm talkin about)

saturday night mike and i kinda wanted to go out, but adam suggested seeing Team America. How could we pass that up? the movie was absolutely high-freakin-larious. "America! Fuck Yeah!!" so rob, mike, adam, jared and i went to that, then went back to the bfh. rob went home to study; mike, adam and i got pizza and watched Narc; and i have no idea what happened to jared. we finished the movie around 230 and sat around and talked with corey when he came home till close to 4... i think, anyway. i wasnt paying much attention.

i slept in dan's bed since he was still at home (why sleep on a couch when there'a perfectly good bed availible), and woke up around 130 and came home. and that was my weekend. so... yep. thats that. i think i'm gonna go to bed early tonight, cuz i'm tired.

song of the weekend: Kanye West - New Workout Plan
new reccomended song: (reccomended by carrie, and now by me to you) Incubus - I Miss You (accoustic version... find it, download it. its awesome)

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October 15, 2004

checking in

not drunk... not sober. just in something of a haze. goin to northwestern tomorrow for some party at nicks. so taht aught to be fun. i need that right now. some fun. anyway, off to bed. good night, moon.

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October 14, 2004


its late, i'm tired, but i dont want to go to bed. ever. i want to run. i want to bike. i want to jump, play basketball. sing, dance, and jump rope. i want to be a kid again, throw all caution to the wind. just have fun all the time. i want an ipod in my head, so i can flip on the music anytime, anywhere. i want it to be a constant 76 degrees outside during the day, and 65 at night, with an occasional 65 degree day or two thrown in. i want to see a beautiful sunset, and paint a picture of it. i want to take a photo of the beauty that i want to be all around me all the time. i want someone to love. i want someone to love me. someone to hold, someone that wants to be held by me. someone that wants to hold me.

but alas, reality time. its cold out, i'm tired and i need to sleep. someone to hold isnt presenting herself, which is cool, well... its ok. i'll find someone eventually. its just hard. i see things on tv, in movies, on the quad, hear sappy song lyrics, and it all makes it hurt. i dont really hurt from her anymore, but i do hurt. its like an emptiness that i desperately want to fill. i want something familiar, someone i can be close with. well. such is life. she'll turn up eventually. and if not. then i'll cry forever. ok, not really, cuz i know i'll find her, whoever she is, eventually. and untill then i just gotta keep trudging on. "To trudge: the slow weary walk of a man that has nothing left in his life but the impulse to simply solider on."

and from the same movie:

"It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you."

maybe i'm not in love with her, but i still love her. and want her back as a friend. but how could that possibly work? could that possibly work? not now anyway, not yet. i'm not ready. i read her blog every day, check her away messages, as though i were still dating her. i know i'm not over her. i know i'm not ready to be near her again yet. dispite wanting to, because i know i'm just gonna hurt myself. i read about how she really likes so and so, or he's so nice and it still burns me as though we were still dating. why can't i move on? according to outcold its 1 week of morning for every 6 months you were together. we had 18, a year and a half, so that'd be 3 weeks. here i am, approaching the end of week 3... maybe i'll feel better when the weekend comes. or maybe, despite being an awesome movie, outcold isnt 100% accurate when it comes to recovering. nah, that can't be it. i dont know whats happening this weekend, other than i'm sure it'll be... interesting, as every weekend has been lately.

ok. time to trudge to bed

one more thing. i know everybody says, "you're better off" or "you'll be fine" and "you need to move." so you dont need to leave that comment if you were planning on it. this is just how i'm feeling right now, and i felt like writing it down. i have no plans on getting back with her, i know she's moved on. i know this chapter is closed. except it isnt. its just on the conclusion. and i've never been good at writing conclusions.

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October 8, 2004

Natalie Portman?

this entry is actually about yesterday... my blog wasnt workin at the time. so here it is now.

last night i had a crazy dream about how we all were friends with natalie portman. a bunch of us were hangin out in my bedroom, except it wasnt my current bedroom, but it definitely was mine in the dream. iunno. anyway, she was there and we kept glancing at each other, as though we were hiding something from the rest of the group. a coy smile crawled across her face, and i just laid back, completely contempt with life. it was the most amazing feeling ever, i couldnt stop smiling. then i woke up, and for the first time ever, was able to reinsert myself into that same dream, and ran through it again and again. but each time it was less natalie portman. it was odd. she was more and more familiar each time, morphing into someone else. iunno. weirdness. anyway, here's a song i've been singing all day because of this dream. its called Natalie Portman, by a band called Ozma:

I'm telling you a story now of something that's wrong
This has been developing since nineteen eighty-one

Maybe she's alone
What can i do?
There's nothing
There's nothing i can do

If i'm a proper jewish boy
Will her family love me?
Can't stand to see her on the stage
And know she's not thinking of me

Maybe she'll be hearing this, but probably she won't (probably she won't)
Possibly she has desires, but probably she don't (probably she don't)

Maybe she's alone
What can i do?
There's nothing
There's nothing i can do

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October 5, 2004

i hate it

i feel like i'm running away and getting nowhere. The harder i try to get away, the more i dont want to. I read about how she's better than ever and its a dagger in my gut. the fact that she doesnt love me hurts, but the thought that she never did hurts even more. everyone tells me that its for the best, a cliched line of comfort. i'd believe it were for the best if it didnt still hurt so much. i want to move on, i dont want to care, but i can't help it. i finally took down the pictures the other day, but to no avail, i still see her every time i close my eyes. she left me because of my antics, and yes, crazy shit's gone down, but i wouldnt have been a part, or such a large part if i still had her. if she still loved me. if she ever loved me. i miss her so much its killing me. and the fact that she's the happiest ever hurts even more. i know she'll find someone else, hell she probably already has. and i'm more and more convinced that i'm doomed to be alone. i know, i'm young, its only been a couple weeks... but no one i'll find is going to be as good as she was. i once read a quote, i forget the exact phrasing, but it was something about how the first love inflates the heart, and trying to regain that orginal level of love is impossible or something... something about a shadow of the first love always being there. i dont remember exactly, but its true. i'm never ever going to be able to get away from her. i close my eyes and i see her. i sleep and she's there. i dont want to wake up in the morning, just so i can spend even a few extra minutes with her. god, it sounds like she's dead. but i guess the girl i loved is, she certainly doesnt care about me anymore.

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