November 30, 2004

special recommendation post

i like checking my blog to see some real comments, particularly when they're from somebody knew. anyway, this guy left me a comment that didnt have to do with the post, but it was referencing my audioscrobbler. i found this band earlier this year when i was trying to find an album by postal service, the file said the band was like postal service, so i downloaded it. i've listened to them some, then this guy posts a comment on my blog about them and how they're gonna be on itunes soon. anyway, check them out, they're pretty good. they're called "Le Chevre." you can download their stuff here . i recommend the track "inner voices." i like it a lot. so yeah, rock on Le Chevre, ba to you. (their name means the goat... i dont know why, but whatever. they sound cool)

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thanksgiving break. long time no post

i was waiting for a crosstown train in the london underground, when it struck me.

so... lets see. well, it looks like its been over a week since i last posted, but thats not entirely true. i posted some stuff, and realized i didnt want it out in the open, so you dont get to read that. so deal. anyway... thanksgiving break was... meh, it was good. formal was fun, i guess i already wrote about that, though. then what happened? went bowling and then to steak and shake. went camping in rachel's backyard, but dan was missing parts of his tent so we couldnt set it up so we all slept in the garage. ended up snowing, woke up to like a quarter inch of accumulation. left later that afternoon when there was a few inches down on top of the slush, making it about as slippery as you could ever want. wed we played basketball at my church for like 2 and a half hours. thursday was thanksgiving, i didnt do anything then. friday met with sarah and went and saw two movies by myself... more on the sarah stuff some other day... i've written some, but... well, the gist of getting together was to recoup some sorta friendship. i "know too much," i was told. and i really want to be friends, but i dont know if its gonna work or not. i really want it to, but its hard to be friends with someone you were so close with, someone you still want to be that close with, when they dont want it. thats enough of that... happy things... saw alexander and pulp fiction on saturday. came back to school sunday, ate at bobo. oh bobo, how i missed thee. then last night i was in my room, getting settled back in and there was a pop/snap sound from my computer. then the room smelled of burnt plastic and the computer mysteriously turned off. tried turning it back on, no response, so i figured it was the powersource. went to bestbuy this afternoon and got a new one, and i'm back in action. went to storytime at APX tonight (it's live-in week for the pledges, we have storytime at midnight every night). i read one of my trumpet books, about the basics of the "attack" which is all about tonguing (sp?). and yeah, thats all for now. time for bed.

-storyteller: stu (scott stewart of APX)
-most practical gadget ever: iPod (i'll never stop raving over it)
-place to be: school, not home
-if you are at home: white castle

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November 21, 2004

formal madness

radio plays my favorite song

last night was formal... that was fun. far too many of the girls in the house brought dates... well, ok only like 3 did, but still too many. the only ok thing about that is the guys they brought didnt want to dance at all, so finding someone to dance with was no problem whatsoever. there was some... interestingness (if there is such a word) between hector and vicki's "date," merideth. they disappeared at the end of the night... apparently they got their own room. but i'm not speculating anything.... planning on posting pics later, prolly when i get back to school. can't wait till camping in rachel's backyard later this week. man my knee is hurtin. for some reason when i just chill with my knee bent in the same position for extended periods of time (i.e. sittin in the backseat of a small car for three hours) it makes my knee hurt a lot.

i want to get a group of people together to go up to the dells some other time, and stay at a nicer place. this place was nice, but i wanna go to one other places with the huge indoor waterparks. that would be awesome. that's all for now.

random overnight- wisconsin dells
french band- Telepopmusic. light techno, as andrew put it. reminded me of the postal service's sound. the song i heard didnt have vocals, dont know if any of their songs do. gotta find their stuff when i get back to school.
random new animal- an itty bitty kitten. about the size of a 6 inch subway sub. its a girl... jack wants to name her "crystal" (is that how you spell that?) but my vote is for "Spaz." her fur is real thin and sticks strait out. when she runs around her back legs go all over the place. i think its a perfectly good fitting name.

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November 18, 2004

today was beautiful

days go by and still i think of you

random quotes are how i'm gonna start posts from now on... so deal with it. or not, whateva. meh, thats a crappy one to start with. sounds sad, life isnt sad. not today, today was beautiful. it was amazing. dont know why, but today i felt amazing, for the first time in a very long time.

and in light of that, i'm starting over.

"i love my canoe"

yeah. thats better. anyway, today was amazing. i mean, it wasnt anything really all that spectacular, but it was great. i dont know why. i guess i came to the realization that life is to short to not love every single minute of it. sure some minutes you arent gonna be as happy as others, but its all gonna balance out in the end. last night i came home by myself from the house, and rob never came home. not that it matters, it was just odd is all. so i went to bed at like 3, kinda late but not so much as of late. i opened the blinds a little bit before i went to bed, dont really know why. thought it might make getting up a little easier in the morning. i was super right. alarm went off at 830, i dont really remember what was playing on (cue radio voiceover) "107.1 WPGU 'No Rules Radio.'" i just remember that i like the song, and have no idea who did it or what its called. not just cuz i was half awake, but cuz i havent found out yet. i thought about scribbling down a few lyrics so i could look it up later, but i left my notepad on my desk... just out of reach from my bed. i listened to the song, then hit the snooze and climbed outta bed when it went off ten minutes later. then i wrote in my notebook a little. yeah, i keep a notebook and a blog. what's it to ya? off to class, which apparently i've been to covert about as of late, but whateva. i mean, no i dont go as often as i should, but come on... these lectures are retardedly boring. whats the difference if i sleep through them there or in my bed, right? anyway, went to one class at 9, then decided it was too beautiful to be holed up in some dark lecture hall... well, Temple Buell Hall isnt really dark, but whatever, its not as nice as outside. so i went for a stroll for some bonding time with my ipod. i should name my ipod... hmm.... i name everything stella, so i think i'll pass on that. meh, maybe something will come to me later. lucille? whatever. then i met up with dan, mike, rob, jodi, rachel, and carrie for some lunch at this little asian place up sixth from newman. it wasnt anything spectacular... no bobo by any standards... not even a panda. mmmm... i could go for some panda. anyway, i really wanted to go play some basketball, but dan and mike were working, and rob seem disinterested, so i decided i'd grab a ball and go shoot around on my own. but for some reason newman got rid of their basketballs since last year. i decided it was too nice of a day to go to impe, so i went running instead. ran around the quad once then over to my parking garage... i call it "my parking garage," which i know sounds odd, but its where i always send people to park and go running, so screw you. its mine. i did three laps up and down it, the third trip up i did a dozen "grape-vines" across one of the flat portions of the structure. then i did some push ups and situps. was gonna do some pullups, but couldnt find any good bars in the building, and wasnt really interested in finding any anywhere else. then back down the garage and outside, another trip around the quad. collapsed on the grass for a minute and took off my knee brace... its amazing how much that thing helps, and how much it hurts when i take it off. i mean, not unbearable, but i cant feel anything when i'm wearing it. i walked home, iced my knee for a half hour, took a shower, ate dinner and watched 2 hours of smallville. then rob, carrie, and i went to target and meijer. bought some goldfish, carrie bought one and put it in dan's fishtank with Holden (his big fish) which chased it all over the place. then he seemed to have given up, so we left and i checked back a couple minutes later and there was a tail hanging out of holden's mouth... woops. well, it seemed like he was choking on it, so i tried to grab him to pull the fish out of him, but he finally coughed it up in the chase. so that was... interesting.. then we watched comedy central cartoons and the movie "Elf" that rob bought at target. and then came home... so thats that.

time for bed.... oh yeah! today was about 70 degrees, thats why it was so beautiful... not to mention it was fairly sunny towards the afternoon. man it was nice. 67 is the high tomorrow. i love nice weather... freakin winter. although it is christmas... ;) ok, bedtime for real now. but before that, i'll leave you with a few recommendations:

lighthearted christmas movie for the whole family starring will ferrel: Elf
digital-age gizmo: Apple iPod... do yourself a favor and splurge on one. they're awesome to have.
thing to do on a beautiful day: play basketball... or run if you cant get ahold of a bball

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November 15, 2004

this weekend reports and rants

it said fok karina on the wall we were leanin on

anyway, all you readers out there in internet land, i know you're wondering how our hero is doing these days. and this is how he's doing: spiffy.

iunno, nothing much to report. friday was just chillin at the bfh with everybody. kordik came to visit, we wined it up and the girls got pretty friendly. (not that friendly, you sicko... get your mind outta the gutter.) so yeah, kordik and his friend roy were there. never met roy before (cue rocky/starbucks music) ROY ROY ROY! but he's a cool guy.... so yeah, we were at bfh for a while, then an elite few left the rest of us to go to an after hours party.

i dont particularly care if you can only take a certain number of people to something, but i've been feeling like i'm getting ditched a ton lately. maybe its just me being paranoid, but its still frustrating. i dont really care about going to the teps for any party that they're having, but when my friends dont feel it necessary to include me, it irks (did i just make up that word?) me. i mean, it doesnt seem like one more person would really be that big of a deal. are they worried about fire codes and maximum capacities or something? if this was a one time thing, i dont think it would bug me so much, but it seems like people are always goin over to the house or swanky bubbles to watch a movie, or goin out to eat or whatever, and i get left on the wayside. i know its not all the time, but for some reason it still gets to me when it does happen. maybe i feel like i'm giving a lot and i'm getting screwed. i always invite everybody to the apx parties (even though that doesnt cost me any money, its still me helpin out my friends), i think i usually pay my fair share, and sometimes more. i dont do it with expectations of anyone being in debt to me, but it'd be nice to get some sorta thanks. i dont think anybody even blinked when i bought the second round of boones on friday. iunno, maybe they did and i just missed it.

ok, done ranting about that. dont mean to be a whiny bitch, thats just how i'm feelin' lately, a bit short-changed. so yeah, people left to go do whatever, so i broke into dan's room and slept in his bed... i really need to stop breakin into locked doors... i feel like i am gonna wind up a criminal. meh, maybe i'll be like brad pitt in ocean's 11. i could handle robbing a casino and scoring a cool 15 mil. anyway, broke into dan's room and slept till about 3-330 when he came home and kicked me out, then slept on the futon. saturday, a bunch of us went to ihop, then i came home and chilled in the room till the corey and jon came over and we finished off a leftover bottle of wine and headed over to the canopy club for the lucky boys confusion show. awesome show, as they always are. my ribs are a bit sore from getting crushed by the moshers, but it was a lot of fun. being taller, i can at least stretch up to get a breath of "fresh" air (its still super smokey, but at least the air isnt so thick with perspiration). after the show, drenched in my own sweat, the sweat of those around me during the show, and beer from the performers who sprayed the crowd at the end, we made our way back to newman. it was about 30 degrees outside, so we froze pretty quick... so that sucked, but its only a 4 minute walk from canopy to newman, so that wasnt too bad.

took a quick shower, then headed over to bfh and watched die hard 2. never seen that before, so that was cool, but i shoulda just stayed home and slept in my bed. there really wasnt much of a purpose of going all the fuck out there, but whateva. went to taco bell for breakfast/lunch at about 2 this afternoon, then mike, dan and i went to the illini basketball game. we were late, totally missed the first half, but its only exhibition, so whateva. when we got there right as halftime started, it was something like 43 to 23. it was rediculous. final score was like 92 to 61. there were some amazing, harlem-globtrotter-esque plays for the illini. very cool stuff. then we went back to bfh, ordered way too much papa johns pizza and watched happy gilmore, after arguing over watching american beauty or tommy boy. i had my heart set on american beauty, kinda have for the last few weeks, but whateva havent seen happy gilmore in a long time, and that is one high-larious movie. so yeah, that was my weekend. rock and or roll.

tonights recommendations are brought to you by the letter S:
*song- "Eskimo" - Damien Rice (hidden tracks are cool... kinda wish they werent hidden so i dont have to search for them, but whateva)
*live show- Lucky Boys Confusion
*live show that you'll never be able to see- Dynamite Boy (the lbc show was their last performance)
*taco bell product- Cheesy Gordita Crunch
*NCAA Basketball Team- ILLINI! (w00t)
*random quote to start a blog entry- "Girl Eyes" lyrics (Eve 6)

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November 12, 2004

navigating off the trail of complacency and into the woods of whatever the hell it is i want to do with myself

so i was just sitting here, headphones shutting me off from the world and my itunes playlist goes from bach to the cure and it occured to me: that's really fucked up.

i mean, its not fucked up, but its an odd reflection of me. it got me thinking. yeah, i have a wide variety of tastes when it comes to music, and thats cool. i like a lot of different generes and whatnot, but i realized that i am like that in all facets of my life.

i listen to they might be giants (an obvious ecclectic choice), britney spears (i'll admit it. don't judge, the bible says not to), an assortment of classical music (calms the racing mind), every form of jazz (how can you resist the epitome of cool?), and even some country music. my musical tastes know no boundries, i'm just as happy listening to dave matthews as i am blue man group or justin timberlake or the shins. in the same way, i'm comfortable wearing a nice shirt, tight (not too tight. again, don't judge) jeans, and a sport coat; and just as comfortable wearing baggy ripped cargo pants, hoodie, and ratty old baseball cap. i read gq, popular mechanics, stuff magazine, and wired. each ridiculing the other in its own way, but i read on faithfully.

movies? there's been one movie that i can remember not saying i liked. its not so much i didnt like it, it was entertaining, i just have no desire to see it again. people? i dont think i know anyone that i truely dont like. ok, yes there's the occassional asshole that nobody in a right state of mind would want to be with, and sure there's those people that have little nuances that bug me, but on the whole, i generally like everybody i know.

is that a good thing or not? should i be more decisive about things in my life? am i too complacent with everything? i can't picture being more picky when it comes to music. variety is the spice of life... or something. iunno, i just got to thinking that i like a lot of things, i guess that kinda occured to me when i was going through the dilemma of what i want to do with my life. architecture, though it sounded interesting when i was 10, is not really what i want to do. i was just riding it out, it seemed. that is not at all what i want to do, just ride life out. i want to grab the bull by the horns. i say that, but i've never really done that. maybe i'll start now. but then again i probably won't. meh, we'll see what goes down this weekend. maybe i'll bitchslap life. tell it, "goddamnit, you're mine and i'll do what i want! no more drifting along with the breezes of time. we're goin this way, you jackass."

well ok, i probably won't be so crass. i mean, life and i have had a good existence thus far. we've never really clashed before, i just need to show him who's boss around here.

recommendations of the day... hmm... song: "The Picture Book" - The Kinks (from that hp photography commercial)
accent to acquire to impress the ladies: a charming british one (saw alfie today... that man is a pimp. bastard)
thats all for now. g'night all

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November 11, 2004

its late, and i'm still twitchin

freakin caffeine... how do you spell that. meh, whateva. i'm about to go to bed... only kinda tired... shouldn't have had that big cappuccino at 8, but whateva. live and learn.

not much to report. goin to the LBC show on saturday at canopy, so that should be fun. and going to the Dog and Everything show on friday and either going out, going to apx for beer pong tourny, or back to bfh to hang with kordik and his isu buddies... who knows. whatever the outcome, i'm sure it'll be fun.

aw man, i forgot the university BOT meeting is tomorrow morning... i was gonna go to that, but i doubt i'll be wanting to wake up for that shiz in 3-4 hours from now. meh, we'll see if i'm even woken up by my alarm.

well, thats all for now. today's recommendations:
-song: Damien Rice "The Blower's Daughter"
-movie: "The Rules of Attraction"
-live show: Lucky Boys Confusion
-pasttime: dollar origami

goodnight shampoo bannana.

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November 8, 2004

run away -or- want somebody to love

ok... so it felt like it'd been forever since i wrote, but i realize now its only been a couple of days. anyway, i didnt know what i was going to write about, and thought about some wacky story i could start. then, while waiting for inspiration to come knocking on my skull, i went browsing through the other kordix blogs and stumbled across dan's latest entry. it really got me thinking, so i started writing an instant message to him about it, but i think he's already in bed, and it was super long and envolved. thus i decided i'd post it here and continue writing it. so feel special diddyp, cuz this was inspired by your writings... did that sound gay? whatever... here goes:

[author's note: after writing this entry, i realized that not everyone will want to read all of it. and, in fact, i dont know that i want everyone to read it so i made it an "extended entry" so you dont see it without the proper disclaimers. the following names were listed, if you were one of them, proceed at your own risk: rob, dan, sarah, and jon (not swiston). ok... dan and rob, continue. you other two, i'd prefer you not read it but, this isnt password protected so continue if you really feel like it. . . just dont complain to me when you regret knowing what is going on in this head of mine. i guess that's applicable to everyone who reads any of my posts though... and now, on with the show]

"I guess I'd just like to be able to count on the fact that someone is thinking about me. Maybe that's self-centered. I don't know." [quoted from his blog post] totally not self centered. it is, i think, a natural human reaction. that is the reason it burned me so much just now to read that sarah is officially dating that jon guy. i'd like to say i dont really care, but i still do. i mean, i know i'm not going to get back with her. though deep down i kind of wish i could/would, i know that is not what should/is going to happen. yet the fact that she cares about someone else now, that she's moved on and no longer thinks of me or cares about/for me is what really burns. i know what you're gonna say, she still cares about you, and yeah, maybe... hopefully, on some level deep down she does. but all i know is she hasnt made any efforts to contact me outside of the one time right after it happened. and even then she blew up at me for going out to eat with my family, so i said i wasnt ready to see her again, because frankly i wasnt. [note: this is where the im ends, and the blog writing starts, so all hope of being general and applicable to all is lost. this is all about me me me now] i felt rejected, and she was mad at me. suddenly i'm the bad guy. how did that even happen? i went home with intentions of seeing her, but i'm not goin to turn down a free meal with my family, but she couldnt stop being pissed off at me long enough to see that i guess.

i look back now and am at a loss. i was told to delete her screen name and not look at her blog anymore, and for a while i did. untill recently when i checked her profile to read some depressed song lyrics and thought, "hey, maybe she feels bad too." i'll admit, a large part of me was thinking, "ha, he rejected you. now you can feel all alone like i do." but deep down i know that wasnt-- that isnt how i feel. i read her blog today to discover that she wasnt, in fact, rejected. why i ever thought she would be... well, i dont know. she's officially dating this guy. this guy who, she told me, she could "never be attracted to." she told me he's "too much of a woman." i wonder if he knows this? apparently she's forgotten.

it kills me. i knew he was going to be a problem down the road. the asshole was constantly flirting with her. even when i went to visit her he would flirt with her. its not like he didnt know i existed, he fucking met me. he told her something about how he wasnt threatened by me, because he thinks he's more attractive than me. makes my blood boil just thinking about this little prick. how does he go from such a little jack-off to her goddamn boyfriend?

but i digress. i guess, upon truely reflecting on this, i'm not mad at him. i'm not mad at her. i definitely dont regret our relationship. i definitely regret some of the things that happened/ didnt happen, particularly towards the end, for the obvious reason that it might still be in existence. people tell me that "it's for the better," which, despite the cliched-ness, many still believe. i try to tell myself to believe that, but i still see the last picture on my wall that she's in, both of us surrounded by friends. all looking happy. how can i feel like it's for the better with so many good times? i'm glad i took down the other pictures early on when i was still sad/mad. how can i possibly feel happy looking back at such good times? every time i open my desk drawer i'm greeted by a tangle of bright red yarn and a wrinkled envelope. how could it have gone downhill so goddamn fast? from everlasting love and intentions of "the rest of our lives" to not speaking to her for over a month. its insane.

once again, i know i cant have her back. as much as i would ever want her back, i dont want her to be unhappy and be with me. i just want my best friend back, and that i know is never coming back. dont get me wrong, dan and rob are great guys. they are, by far, my best friends, but they pale in comparison to what i had with her. what i lost. there's no way that i could ever have that closeness back. never again will she fall asleep in my arms. never again will she calm me down when i'm upset about something. never again will she sing to me and hold me in her arms.

dan, i agree wholeheartedly: i just need somebody to care about me. i need somebody to care about more than i care about myself. i screwed up in the latter with her. now i just want somebody to love. i saw a preview for a movie (kinsey) and there was a quote i kinda liked "Sex is a risky game, because if you're not careful, it will cut you wide open." except it isnt sex that cuts you wide open. its love. and thus, i shut myself off to the world.

ok not really, but sometimes i'd like to. just disappear. run away to where ever my feet take me. no place in particular. just go around and meet people. hear peoples stories, and be on my way. merely a shadow in the memories of many. i want to travel around the country, and find random people and ask them to tell me a story. i thought it'd be interesting to ask random people to tell me one story, if they could pick just one occurance that has happened to them and tell it to me. i want to do that, just go around hearing everyone's stories. write it all down and make some crazy book of america's stories. iunno, pipe dreams i guess.

and now the end. if you are reading this, and i mentioned you... and offended you, i'm sorry. but this is all how i'm feeling. i'm just sayin is all. gotta pc and stuff.

recommended song of the post: Colin Hay - "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You"
recommended life choice if you have a supply of income and a feeling of nothing worth staying here for: travel and get people to tell you stories, compile the stories to a crazy-cool book, and thank me in the notes for the awesome idea.
recommended life choice if you have a significant other: dont dwell on anything bad, because later you'll realize it doesnt matter. only the good stands out, and you'll wish there was more of it, or that you could go back to it.
recommended bedtime: earlier than quarter to 3. man i'm gonna be tired tomorrow... but i just get on these writing tangents
recommended password suggestions: not something so dang obvious, dan. ;)
recommended reading: hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy... that douglass adams guy is funny
recommended limit for recommendations: 6... i've gone too far, and with that i bid you adieu.

[note: i would just like to say that i'm happy for you, that you've moved on. despite all the above writings of spite, anger, saddness, and bitterness, i just want you to be happy. and you seem to be, so... yeah. there's that. i guess there's that.]

[another note: now that i've written this... i really dont want to post it. to post or not to post, that is the question]

[last note... i swear: if you want to leave a comment, thats cool, but the following things have been said to death: "you're better off without her" "move on" "thumb monkeys are cool" and "wouldn't it be cool if you could turn invisible" so you can say those things, or variations of them, if you want... but you dont need to waste your mad typing skills on 'em... cuz i've already heard... or read... but if you're bored and have nothing better to do (hell, you read this far, you must be bored) than feel free to say whatever you want]


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November 4, 2004

hot tub workouts

why do internet jerks have to be so jerky? they keep spammin the crap out of my comments. fucking assholes. although one of the comments was kinda funny: "today is a good day to send a slinky down an escalator." sounds like fun, dispite the asshole-ness of irrelevence; but i digress.... so after some thinking, figuring, and planning i've come to the conclusion, thanks to rob's reasoning, that a homemade hot tub at the BFH would not work/be economical. although it could be super cool/fun.

nothing much to talk about... goin home on friday, gonna take jack to see the Incredibles. that looks like a good movie. goin out to eat with the family that night, after my doctor's appointment in the afternoon.... i really hope she gives me the ok to play basketball, and even if she doesnt, i think i'm gonna start playin some anyway. she said that i just needed to get some bulk back into my thigh, and it's getting better. and playing basketball will definitely help me get some more muscle tone. i need to start working out more, not just cardio either. for some reason all i can make myself do to any sort of extreme is cardio. i can push myself in running till i puke, i've done it a couple times. usually i let up a bit when i start to get ill, but sometimes i'm too far by the time i ease up... and one time i was trying to hurt myself. not in a bad way, i just needed to release some tension/frustration. anyway, i always have difficulty pushing myself in resistence training. maybe its cuz i know i can't do much to begin with, and dont want anyone to see me max out at such low numbers. but hey, not gonna get any better without doin it.

well, time for bed. but first, today's reccomendations:
workout plan- resistence... or maybe kanye
buffet- bobo china
espn documentary- chicago bulls 98 championship season
song- Remy Zero "Perfect Memory"
instrumental song(s)- Sigur Ros - "Ba Ba" off the "Ba Ba Ti Ki Di Do" EP the whole ep is cool, individually though, ba ba stands out for me. (thanks to kordik for the sorta recommendation).
movie trailer- ocean's 12. i'm excited, arent you?

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