i've been thinking lately about faith. and i've come to the conclusion that i really dont have faith in anything anymore. my religious life is basically non-existent except when my mom makes me go to church when i'm at home. i used to believe in love, but not so much anymore. i used to believe that i knew what i wanted to do with my life, but i know thats not true.
i dont know what it was about religion that died in me. i could say that it was me going to school, and not being forced to go to church anymore. but it was more than that. it was earlier than that. in grade school i was very passionate about it, but at some point during high school it lost its appeal. i didnt feel it anymore. i dont know why or what it was that changed. but something did. i still went to church, and blindly "believed" whatever, but i didnt really care about it like i had. it wasnt untill recently that i've actually become annoyed with people blindly believeing some of this far fetched shit.
for a while i said i didnt really believe all that much, but then i'd argue about it as though it was my life's calling. but now... now my current self would be argueing with me of a few years ago. i went to the planetarium with my family the other day, and we saw this presentation about how the wisemen seeing a "star" could've been quite feasible becuase all this crazy shit was appearing to happen with the way the planets were aligning then moving then realigning. that i could believe. that sounded reasonable to me. there's a scientific explination for what happened, and if the whole jesus thing is true, then why couldnt it be that god just made it happen the same time the celestial stuff was goin down? its like "god created the heavens and the earth" if that is true, then i choose to believe that it is a euphamism for the big bang. he could've enduced that, instead of just going "ummm.... poof. here's existence." but then my mom said at dinner the other day to jack (who was telling my sister about the planetarium movie) that maybe it was just god putting a special star in the sky.... yeah, maybe... but why the fuck would he want to do that? wouldnt that fuck with shit? gravitational pulls and such?
and then there's the love thing... fuck it. i dont need to discuss that.
what do i want to do with my life? right now i think i want to be an art teacher.... actually, what i'd really like to do is open a jazz club. that'd be freakin awesome. but being a teacher is a more reasonable and achievable profession. but jazz club. man that'd be sweet. get to listen to good jazz whenever i want. and u know that any guy who owns a jazz club is automatically pimp (no need to leave comments about how i'll never be pimp, you jackass).
so yeah... faith. i'm lacking it now adays. and it sucks. i dont know what to trust anymore. i trust my friends. of course, i trusted someone i thought to be my best friend... and see where that got me: moping around on a sunday night... monday morning i guess... wondering if i have any faith in anything. whatever. i'm goin to bed. i believe in that.
So... saturday night. late. I should be packing, but, as per usual i procrastinate even later than the latest possible second. i'm sure i'll end up forgetting something and getting pissed. but whatever. i'm really not looking forward to going home. i mean, its not so much i dont want to go home as much as it is i feel i have no reason to go home. everything i want and need is usually down here, so i guess i need to follow some of it home. there is nothing at "home" for me. sure there's family, but i've grown apart from them in the last year and a half. there's nothing that i miss all that much back there. sure its nice to see family and sleep in a bigger bed, but over the last few months i've become used to my usual bed. my usual room.
my room at home seems so sterile and bland compared to here. sure, you could state the arguement that the state of my dorm room is far from clean. i'd agree with you, but at the same time it's cozy. the plain white walls are masked with posters, the shelves are filled with dvd's and books, there's an inflatable aligator in the corner, a few stagnant old "Taz" airfresheners hang from the fan, two old batman cards fill a small blank space next to the shelves over the tv, there's a fishtank with a couple plain goldfish next to my bed, an original nintendo system, a wine bottle with a goldfish living comfortably inside, and more often than not the room is lit by strings of white christmas lights.
the one thing my room does lack, though, is real life pictures. sure there's prints of dali, van gogh, and hopper. there's a big batman logo and a poster of various corvette models. i've got 4 actual photographs on display in my room: 1 of me and rob in and court jester and king costume, respectively; one of me and rob after our showchoir concert; 1 of me and phil at prom; and one of mike wearing the hulk hands on his elbows at my graduation party. the last one is only out because it covers the frame on which i stuck it, to hide a prom picture. thats one thing of the digital age that i kinda dont like... i mean, i love having a digital camera, but it sucks that i dont have prints to hang everywhere. i guess i could print them up, but my printer's kinda crappy and i dont want to buy a new ink cartridge every few weeks. meh, whatever. maybe i'll make some good black and white images and print them up in the newman hall computer lab.
meh, whatever. i'm goin home. maybe i'll paint my room or something while i'm home. or do a mural of some sort. i always wanted to do that but my parents said no. my dad said i could do it on the walls in the basement... whoopee.
iunno. long story short. i dont want to go home, and i'm not really happy here. i mean, i like the company, but i dont know that this is right. maybe i'll just up and move to the west coast or something. somewhere where there is no bitingly cold wind. iunno. i need to finish packing and get some sleep. i'm tired.
so i'm not completely sober, but i'm not wasted... its a slight buzz. just sober enough to feel that eating half a pizza is too much... but 5 bucks for a large 1 topping pizza, how can i resist? anyway... what's happened in the past couple days?
well, last night we went to clybourne. brend talked to this chick who was with this guy... it was weird at first till we discovered that he was gay (as she put it, "he sucks at darts, but is good for picking up guys"). so yeah, he talked to her, and supposedly would've wound up going home with her and having a threesome with her roommate, but didnt want to leave mike's coat in the booth... frankly i'd sacrifice my coat if it led to a friend getting a threesome ;) but seriously, he could've just called us and been like, come get this, i'm leaving. anyway... she left, he got her number and then we sat down at another table.
we wound up talking to this girl who, as far as i can remember, was very attractive. she was 5'9", blonde (crimped hair, i'm a fan), and very cute.... of course, she is a senior, and i drunkenly said i was 20 and a jr.... whoops.... i guess it wouldnt matter so much, except that we talked for a long time and seemed to hit it off, even if only on a drunken level. she gave me her number, and i gave her mine. she kept telling me how she isnt normally attracted to blondes, so i should feel lucky to be the exception... i do, but i dont think its going to amount to anything... moral of the story: always tell the truth, no matter how drunk you are.
tonight we had a boones farm happy hour, i got a little drunk and laid it on thick, picked dan's bedroom lock (cause i can, and deep down i think i'm a theif or something), went to legends, then carrie and i left and went to one world pizza for the 5 dollar pizza i ate too much of, and now i'm here. so thats about it... time for bed, right after these reccomendations:
song - Smoking Popes - "Pretty Pathetic" i dont really feel like this, at least not much, anymore... but its still a good song.
bar - clybourne... by far my favorite atmosphere in the campus bar realm.
cheap drunk food - one world's 5 dollar large one topping pizza
amazing female musician that i stole from my ex-girlfriend - keri noble... amazing voice. freakin beautiful. so rock on. (album is called fearless. hard to find, but well worth the search if ur into beautiful vocals and piano and such)
that last recommendation got me thinking... i'm not upset about it, just curious. the thing i'm curious about is how she... i know i can't drop it (she was the biggest part of my life for the last year, so fuck off and stop judging me), but how could she get so upset over some guy she's been dating for two months (or so, assuming she jumped him the day we split) yet when we ended the only thing she seemed was angry? was i that bad of a boyfriend. i know i wasnt the best, i could've been better... it just got me thinking is all.
if you just read that and were offended, i dont really care anymore. the story is staying up, this extended entry is staying up. its my life. you have no say anymore. so go cry on his shoulder, cuz i'm not listening anymore.
to all my loyal readers out there (aka "i'm supposed to be doing homework but lets check the kordix blogs first" readers), i apologize for not having had something up here (to distract you from real work) as of late. been busy studying for finals and writing the 3rd point of view to dan's story. haven't posted that cuz i've got three totally different drafts and i dont really like any of them. anyway, finals are done so i'll churn out some rendition of that story sometime soon.
so... whats been happening with me lately. hmmm... saturday brend and i went out to the bar to pick up chicks, or something. wound up just gettin drunk and talkin with brend all night. it was still fun, the random Axe (the body spray stuff) girl coming over to talk to us was an odd experience. it was as though she was trying to sell us something, but they werent really selling anything. whatever...
study some, avoid studying some. take a couple tests. and that brings us to today. tuesday. scrubs. sweet. and goin out to celebrate the end of the semester. rock on.
a more evenful post tomorrow, hopefully.
This is a recounting of what happened in the meeting between me and sarah the day after thanksgiving. things have gone far too sour since then, but i wrote this so i thought i might as well post it. of course all the details arent perfect, but for the most part i think it is fairly accurate.
[inspired by d.f. petrella's "Hi View"]
“Damnit,” I mutter as I fumble with the jammed car door lock. After flipping the key around a few times the lock pops up and I hop into the car and zip out the driveway. I pat my pockets searching for my iPod, finding it in my breast coat pocket I pull it out and plug the tape adapter in, glancing up at the road and back down to my digital comforter and ever-present friend of these past two months.
I scroll through to a playlist simply labeled “Pissed” and press enter. I check the iPod’s clock before tossing it on the empty seat next to me, “3:15, I’m actually going to be on time? Crazy.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I turn around the corner and see her standing outside the Chocolate Moon. Of course she’s earlier than you are, she always is. I glance at my watch, 3:35. Shit, must’ve froze the battery when I left it in the car the other evening.
Being careful not to make eye contact with her I fly around the corner and up the parking garage to the free spots. I unplug the iPod and shove it in my pocket as I jog down the ramp. I walk back down the block, every step my heart races a little quicker, and climbs a little higher up my throat. I walk around the corner and to see her, as beautiful as ever, probably more so. God it stings so much to see her and not be able to kiss her. Not be able to hug her. I’ve missed her so much over these past two months. Words cannot begin to express the remorse I have for letting it all slip away.
My eyes burn as I suppress the tears that so desperately want to well up and spill down my cheeks. How is it that this girl that I had loved so much now causes me so much pain to even look at? We exchange meaningless small-talk greetings as we step inside to the warmth of the coffee shop.
I order a super-grande-mocha-latte-cappuccino-esspresso-something-or-other, and she ordered a cup of ice water. I don’t care too much what I’m drinking; I expect it to be more of a distraction for the awkward conversation that lies ahead.
Our drinks are prepared and handed to us, and we move to the only available table left. It’s a small table, one that we might’ve sat at and leaned in to hold hands at a few short months earlier; but now we both lean back, the distance of a few feet seems like miles. We sit, grasping our drinks and glance from our drinks to the children running around us as we exchange meaningless chitchat, much like these children’s mothers on their annual day-after-thanksgiving-shopping extravaganza coffee break.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“I didn’t plan on it—“
“Stop,” I plead, my voice quavering. She fades into the backdrop of the rest of the room as my eyes blur with tears.
I thought, or tried to think, that everyone was right. That it was for the better. I placed the blame on her all along. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve accepted that I am the one to blame. I pushed her away. I didn’t put forth enough effort. If I had only fought a little, I might still have my happiness. But instead I sit here in a vain attempt to hold back tears.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Gradually I open up to her. Slowly, over the course of this one conversation, we become friends again. She tells me of her family, and I wince at the thought of her happy extended family at their Thanksgiving dinner, without me. I always thought I’d be there with her this year; I wished I’d be there this year, but that’s all it amounted to: a wish. But I suppress my sadness and open up, telling her of my life at school. I don’t elaborate much, knowing the end is near and it won’t matter anyway.
We sat and talked for hours, as though we were good friends again. Not dating, but good friends anyway. I enjoyed it, but knew I was still yearning for more that I could not have. I explain that I want to be friends, but I cannot talk about him. “Of course not,” she seemingly understood.
I stand up to order another drink, and ask her if she wanted anything. “My treat,” I say and am stared at as though I just said “The sky is green,” or something equally absurd. She looked at me as though I’d never offered to pay for anything for her before.
“It’s just surprising, given the circumstances.” Fuck the circumstances. The goddamn circumstances are wrong. You should be with me not him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“I just need to explain this one time,” my heart drops, “I didn’t want to break up. I thought that we’d go on a break for a week, give us time to think about it, and then seeing each other the next weekend we’d get back together and it would be wonderful again.” What?? You were planning on us getting back together that weekend? I hate myself. I thought you were going to bury the hatchet that weekend. I would’ve dropped everything to see you if I had known you wanted me back. Why? Why are you telling me this? How is this supposed to help now? “But then you said you weren’t ready to see me.”
“I’m still not over you, like you think I am.” And I’m not over you, so why aren’t we still together? “I think about you every day.” I seriously doubt that. “I started dating him because I couldn’t pass up that opportunity.” Pass up that opportunity? It was there for months before when we were still dating. Where was it going? “I would’ve always been wondering what could’ve been if I didn’t act on it.” The room goes blurry again, a tear climbs over my eyelid, my hand heading it off before it can roll down my cheek. “Don’t cry,” she says as she places her hand over mine, and I recoil slightly, so she lets go.
“My feelings for you were like this,” as she motions two feet above the tabletop. “And my feelings for him are like this,” holding her other hand a few inches off the table.
“Is that supposed to help me?” I ask too quiet for her to hear.
“Nothing,” I sniff hard.
“I just had to see,” she said, as though I was supposed to understand why her feelings were so much stronger for me than him, yet she is dating him. “There’s 20,000 girls at U of I.” But none of them are you. After a long silence she asks, “What is it? You look determined to say something.” I hate that she can read me so well.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
She reaches into her purse and pulls out her phone. “6:20! It’s been three hours? Wow… I should get going…” I can read her too; I know she’s going to see him. She referenced having some plans for that night and didn’t elaborate more than that.
We walk outside and stop at the corner. “I’m over there,” she points the opposite direction of the parking garage. She scans my face for approval as she opens her arms. I reach out and pull her close. I missed this so much. I missed you so much. I realize after a few seconds that I am holding on a bit too tight, and let go. My instant reaction is to kiss her as we move away from the embrace but I hold it back with my tears.
“I don’t remember you being this tall.” I used to slouch more, so I wasn’t so far from you. “You look like you want to say something again.” It kills me how well she reads me.
“No, it’s nothing… Well, it’s something; I just don’t know if I really want to say it or not.” I love you. Come back to me, we belong together.
“Well, take a second to decide if you want to say it or not,” she says with a slight grin. “You can always talk to me. Not just about this, but about anything: life, whatever.”
“Ok, I decided I’m going to say it. It’s actually in reference to something you said in there. About how there are 20,000 girls at U of I.” My eyes drop to the ground. “That’s true, but none of them are you.” As I turn away I mumble, “Bye,” still not making any eye contact.
I walk back to the garage with my head hanging low. I so badly want that romantic movie ending: she comes running up behind me, yelling my name. I turn around in time to catch her leaping into my arms and we kiss a deep passionate kiss. But I know my life is no movie. This is where our relationship officially is over forever.
I climb the ramp and walk around my car. I force the key to turn, despite its attempts to stick again. I sit down hard on the old seat and dig through my pocket to get my iPod out. I connect the tape adapter and navigate the controls by touch, my eyes too blurred by tears to read the display. A piano melody fills the car around me and tears pour down my cheeks as Ben Folds’ voice washes over me.
“I don’t get many things right the first time…”
so that's my story. i was happy with how well it turned out... kinda wish i could've written something this good when i was actually in a rhet class. oh well. i enjoy writing, just been lacking inspiration i suppose.
I'm getting closer, closer the farther I drive away
the day: saturday. the time: sometime after 7. the place: green street (za's, to be more precise). we bust out the doors to head over to rachel's to chill before the troubled hubble/LBC concert. i step out the door and see jodi and carrie walking east.
"hey jodi, hey carrie, hey... stubhy?!?" apparently adam and stubhy of LBC were lost on the corner of 6th and green. they asked jodi and carrie, who were passing by, for directions. they were walking past za's as we stepped outside. dan, mike, and i were dumbfounded. jodi and carrie explained the situation, and i said we could walk them to the show... it was the most amazing and outrageous series of events/coincidences ever, to say the least.
the show was awesome. troubled hubble is high-larious. lbc accoustic is amazing. they even played "dumb pop song" with a country-style twang, which was hilarious and awesome. i need more adjectives in my hilarious, awesome vocabulary.
illini basketball is number one in the country on both polls this week. game tonight at 7. gonna kick some chicago state ass. so rock on with that. said some stuff i maybe shouldnt have yesterday. i could blame tiredness, but thats a copout. i didnt say anything i didnt feel. i didnt say anything i dont believe. to most of our readers this all means nothing, but to one of you... well i dont know what it means. i'm not sorry for what i said. so yeah... way to end on a downnote, ryan.
song: Dave Matthews "Grace is Gone" (props to carrie's favorite song)
basketball team: the number one ranked Fighting Illini!!
stress buster: middle of the night runs... champaign urbana is creepily unpopulated at 3 AM on a monday... never seen the quad so desolate. i dont know whats creepier: running for a half hour and seeing no one, or if i had seen one other person out there.
thing to make you smile: girls cross country running and singing christmas carols around the quad, through the union, and down the streets of campus, all decked out in red and green and jingle bells and and reindeer antlers and santa hats.
she had dumps like a truck truck truck
so i was outside today... damn its cold, but thats not what i'm here to talk about. anyway, i was outside today and i look down and see a nasty looking thong wadded up on the ground. now, outside of champaign urbana, this might've been a bit more odd, but this isnt the first time i've seen underwear randomly in a parking lot or on the sidewalk or in the street. which got me thinking: how the hell does that happen? is there some chick walkin down the street who decides she needs to go commando right then and there? maybe it fell out of her laundry basket when she was going to the laundrymat? does she know that they're randomly out here, soaked from the rain and caked in dirt from the street? is it like the random unmatched sock you occassionally wind up with after a load of laundry? you ask yourself, "where the hell could your mate have gone?" why is it that we assume that some laundry elves came and stole one of our socks? if it was a case of stealing our socks, wouldnt they steal a pair so it would be less noticable? maybe thats what all that lint is in the dryer trap: 1 dissolved sock. maybe you arent missing a sock. maybe a sock some how materializes in the dryer. maybe you arent one short of a pair, but rather one sock richer. prepared for some evolutionary growth of a new foot or something. maybe that "missing" sock turned into a thong and walked out into the street and got hit by a car, thus explaining the seemingly random occurances of unmentionables on the streets of champaign.
keep your underwear on. or at least out of the streets.